I stare at the TV and bang my fist together. I breathe deeply in and out. The funny program passes me by. I want to sleep but I’m lying awake. This feeling is so strange to me. It ties me, makes everything difficult. I wonder how others do feel.
„The smaller the children, the smaller the worries, the bigger the children, the greater the worries.“
I always hear this saying, when people approach me to my children being so old already. „Nope, I do not think so!“ – my standard answer.
How was I happy with 19/20. I made it out my youth. I have never messed with any girl and kept my nose out of pretty much everything.
And this was not self-evident at all, in my circle of friends. I’ve lost many friends to drugs or prison. So I know what I’m talking about. I have been around, but all I did affected my own life and not others.
And then that: my daughter sends me a picture in WhatsApp. „Mom, what is that, that hurts so much.“
I ask her to come out of her room. Her ear is thickly swollen and bloodshed. She does not know where that comes from. But to me, it’s clear immediately, and all the fears of my youth came back to me. She was beaten. MY child has become a victim. It breaks out of her and she tells me her story. About her longtime girlfriend, deceiving her and making her bad. 6/7 girls from another school, waiting and hassling her. Screaming: „Beat her, beat her!“ Hundreds of children, standing around laughing, looking forward to a fight, filming and posting it on Snapchat. And then a hard fist on her ear. She is dazed by the pain, a boyfriend steps in and pulls her into the school building, she is safe.
As if nothing happened, she came home and retired to her room. Only when the pain in the evening get unbearable, she asked me for help.
What is going on nowadays? Gosh, I hated when older people always said, „It used to be different!“ But today, yes, today I can say, it really used to be different. I can not remember that long-standing friends left me behind, incited others, filmed and laughed. The empathy – how does one feel in this situation – is so completely missing. It depends more on the number than on the quality of the friendships. The values like friendship and family are no more.
Yes, I know, puberty is a difficult time, I’m also just getting out :) And many a fight is just natural. But the level at which I experience it nowadays is incomprehensible.
With all the anxiety you have as a parent in dealing with the children, I have made one thing clear to myself: IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE WHERE YOU COME FROM. From where, of course, in the sense of where your foundation lies (if there is one).
In my opinion there are „non-or-un-social children“ and there are „non-or-un-social children“. The one, and these are the „dangerous“ ones, are a product of their experiences. The love given or not given to them, the primal trust that was created or not created in their earliest childhood. The acceptance or rejection, the building up or the destruction of their sensitive souls. Communication in both, beautiful and difficult moments. We know today that the parent-child relationship is an important prerequisite for the later psychological development and the foundation for an emotionally stable personality and life satisfaction. Even if the parent-child relationship changes in the course of life, the early-childhood relationships are particularly significant. The emotional environment, therefore, affects the attitude of our children to trust, love, interpersonal communication and relationships.
And then there are the others. The children who are changeable. Their foundation, though, stands, but their ship is torn with the waves of the sea. They have to try out, make friendships, even talk stupidly. Make mistakes, be unfriendly, offend others and blasphemy. I would say my daughter nowadays, belongs to this group. And that scared me for a long time. I had doubts: Will she become like these girls, I have always avoided? And a few weeks ago I had my answer: No, for your child has grown from a foundation of love. From acceptance and cordiality. From empathy and healthy communication. Her sense of justice often brings her into trouble because she likes to reveal things that are unpleasant to others. (Maybe she should be a lawyer :)). I had a good conversation with her, on that day and the good thing is, she knows her foundation. She always remembers where her home is and that this world cannot harm her.
What’s next? She was diagnosed today, with a strong hematoma (and a love bite :)). Tomorrow we have, due to the blood that has accumulated under the skin, an appointment with an ENT specialist. The responsible woman at the police wrote down everything and we’ll get an appointment for the interrogation. The girl who has beaten is already known for such offenses and will get her punishment. Likewise, the girls who were around and a girl from her school, who filmed laughing and published the film on the Internet.
„The smaller the children, the smaller the worries, the bigger the children, the greater the worries.“ – Yes, you are probably right!