Why time isn’t a great healer

I remember that day 17 years ago, I was just 18, as if it was yesterday. I just rouged me with my best friend, whose birthday we wanted to celebrate in a couple of hours. It was about 9 pm, we had fun and were relaxed when my boyfriend suddenly stand in front of her doorstep and asked me to come down. I left him in these days and so I went down to find out why he came to see me there. He took me in his arms and told me my mother had died.

She already lived, 400 km away in Berlin, for 3 years, with her boyfriend, who cared for her and her ALS disease (Motor Neuron Disease) in Berlin and I had not seen her for several months.

I know how I cried without noise and fell to the ground. In the middle of the street. I just lay on the ground and could barely breathe. I will never forget this moment. And as I write this, tears are running down my face, because it is not true that time is a great healer. I feel this moment, year after year, as it was yesterday. And as incredible as it sounds, I have now lived more years without a mother, than with.

The next days, I spent lying and crying in a trance. This was followed by painful months. I lost 20 kg, and weighed 44 kg at the end. My body was weak and I often fainted. Everywhere. On the street, in the subway, everywhere. That scared me and I developed an anxiety disorder, which is why I no longer left the house. A vicious circle. Far away from my family in Paris and New York.

When I, became pregnant by the father of my children and suffered a miscarriage, the drama ran its course. My two beloved aunts from Paris and New York came to care for me.

With the new pregnancy and birth of Jamila my life became better and better.

When my father was taken to hospital with heart problems 2 days ago, (he is fine now and is released tomorrow), on the same day when my mother got her ventilator for the first time, 17 years ago, this feeling came back.

And today?
Today I am a strong woman who has learned to live with losses. I am very sensitive when it comes to the topic of disease, death and loneliness. I have grown to these challenges of my young life and love to create a home, a family for my fellow friends. I love my life, and what my mother gave me: to always laugh, no matter how difficult it may be, to believe in dreams and live them, to be strong for my children, to recognize the positive in everything, to value my family and cultivate friendships and to love myself, just as she did.

I am grateful for 18 years, I was able to live with a mom. I am grateful to have a father who loves me.

See you soon Mum! You stay unforgettable!

Naissance2StDenis2